*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.