[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
goldfish mafia
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.