Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.