true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
me doing my best
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Had to try this trend 😊
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m already scared
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”