Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Am I having a stroke?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.