Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.