It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
😬
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars