Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants