Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Weighing up my bread heating options
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands