Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it