Finally, an explanation.
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
This is hilarious….
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
what the
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”