if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.