International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell