Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.