My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
multitasking lunch
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
smh
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
i could never be president. im overqualified.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.