The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.