Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
They got Raph!
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley