I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
goldfish mafia
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.