My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
pizza
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”