Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Pickled cat.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot