[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.