I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The Onion called it…again.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?