Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
❤️🦆