I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
wut hotdog?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.