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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.