[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done