Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Good news
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.