I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Smells like a challenge to me
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*