My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
vegan witches, happy halloween!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.