Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it