Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away