If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU