My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You Might Also Like
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.