saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
That’s classic.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.