“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Thursday Thought.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
oh u like history? name everything that happened