Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
PLEASE READ
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale