Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.