I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I ate everything, including the H.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
A short story of betrayal:
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator