*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Effort made
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
gentlemen, hear me out
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Ladies, why y’all do this?