Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
getting corrected
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.