Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I already tried new things thanks.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ