Thursday Thought.
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Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
new career option?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Anyone really
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.