The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I can’t stop laughing at this
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.