Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
crochet youtube is brutal
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head