My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.