I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Perfection.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’m not lazy