Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Merica.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.