My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
step 6: release the wall snake
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.