Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Quadruple digit IQ
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.