give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂